absolutely not a draft for an application to become a minion of a secret organization that wants to take over the world

Henchman Resources Dept.

-- Intake Questionnaire -- 

(1) How do you feel about “lasers”? The future or just a passing “fad”?

A: Light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation is a thing, it's being used so much in the medical field, so that is the future, however I have yet to really see any of the other organizations that have reached out to me making a viable weapon, so in that case it's a fad that is slowly going out of style. 

(2a) How do you feel about NY style pizza?

A: before answering that question may I please be told what words the NY stand for, there's to many and my answer absolutely depends on which one. 

(2b) What is your position on dank memes?

A: I really wish your application was more clear, because if you are talking about the bot, then I have work side by side with him for numerous companies, if you are talking about the actual meme, well then I have made a few myself. 

(3) On a scale from 1 to kamikaze, how committed are you to us?

A: As long as there is a steady paycheck, I'll believe anything you say 

(4) In 4000 words or more, define your qualifications for World Domination and pizza.

Before I start writing my 4k+ words I need to know if you are actually going to count them because I absolutely can and will do as much. You are the first organization to actually ask me to show my qualifications in a way that might actually show off my qualifications. 

World domination is not something to be taken lightly, so many of my previous employers in the past have failed because they only looked at the end prize and not the long road it takes to get there. 

Let's start with the easy bit, my qualifications on pizza are easy to judge. I can make pizza, and while I have my preferences, I believe anybody can put anything on theirs and it can say a lot about who they are.  

I also believe that using pizza to take over the world could be an interesting approach, what better way to win over the hearts and minds of the sheep that are the population. -And if you want me to explain why I call almost all humans sheep, I will do so at a follow up interview. 

Now that the easy bit is done, let's get to the more complicated matter of why I qualify to help you with world domination. 

I have worked for a handful of other organizations that have tried, and yes, failed, before you. now, I would like to have it on record that their downfall had nothing to do with me. it's not my fault when you have an adventuring party come in and wipe out almost everybody in the cave, I did express that trying to have such a place in a cave is a bad idea, and employing the cheapest person to make traps was also in their best intrest. Not to mention my first organization didn't even vet anybody coming in, so when a different henchman acts stupidly in town or drops important paperwork for goodie twoshoes to find, well... I only survived that one because my sister was sick and I was guilted into making her dinner that she could warm up until she got better. by the time I got back the cave was a mess.... i cleaned it up best I could and read all the documents that were in the unlocked safe in my bosses room about his plan and what he had done so far. I dont think the party found it, because nothing came of it, but I did decide to really start paying attention to what exactly made us fail. 

my next few jobs failed because our fearless leaders moved to soon. maybe don't kidnap the presidents kid unless you are sure you can get back to your hideout unnoticed? and quite possibly don't have the swap happen literally outside of your building front door. 

not to mention all the leaders (not just top boss, but lower ones too) who monolog, or don't leave guards in the room with prisioners... I can prove to you that now matter how well you think you tie me up, leave the room for 1 minute and if i have not fully escaped, i have almost, yes, even naked. I cannot be the only person who had an uncle that thought it was funny to tie the toddler up because she always escaped when he looked away. .